XXV. Americano.

The little martian grabs tufts of purple hair in each hand and wheezes with frustration. his heart hammers against his rib cage as his third Americano thrums through his veins. He feels all hot and cold at once. The hairs at the nape of his neck stand electrified, and his left eye twitches unrelentingly.

“How do I do this? How do I do this? How do I do this?”, He chants, panicked.

I'm scared he is going to have a nervous breakdown, “do what?” I ask in measured tones. I don’t want to frazzle him further

“How do I be me for me and me for them and me for him and me for someone else?” He whispers, half-delirious now

“what are you talking about?”

“They all…they all want me, but the me’s they’ve built and I- I -" I hand him a glass of water, make him drink, make him breathe for a minute

“I can only be all these ‘me’s’ for so long. What am I supposed to do when I'm me again?” He murmurs, calmer now

I'm not entirely sure I understand what he is getting at, but I wing it with some self-absorbed advice. “You just pretend you’re in a movie”

“A movie?”

“Yeah, you're an actor, and the scripts keep changing, and the storylines are different but you're the same actor. You're just playing different roles”

“But I don’t want to act, I just want to be ” he mumbles, tears welling up in his shiny eyes.

“alright, but If we aren’t acting, then who are we doing all of this for? there's got to be someone out there, god, a subscriber, a reader, someone. there's got to be someone watching this because if it isn't entertaining someone, what's the point right? "

“I-i don’t know, that sounds like you're trying to channel your everyday into something that can be streamed and viewed. that's so depressing and youtubey of you"

"that isn't a word"

"what?"

"youtubey..it isn't a word"

"that's what bothers you about this conversation?"

"yes, it doesn't make sense"

The little martian nuzzles into my bed and sips another Americano

“Stop with the coffee already!” I laugh at him “you're a jittery mess, drink some water”

“I'm playing the addict!” He grins.